By definition, whatever falls on the floor belongs to my dogs. (Dog thought corollary: it is by definition edible.)

Or, if you own a dog, the five second rule is irrelevant.

If a man speaks in the forest and a woman does not hear him, is he still wrong?

US health care is in miserable condition. Instead of listing a co-payment, my last Blue Cross card just specified Do Not Resuscitate

Medical science is on the wrong track. If someone would just invent a vegetable that tasted like bacon we would all live to be 100.

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Want to see something funny? Next time you notice a dog driving a car, throw a tennis ball across the street and watch what happens.

A skeleton walks up to the bartended and says, "give me a beer and a mop."

A pirate with a parrot on his shoulder tells his psychiatrist, "I hear voices in my head."

I don't understand women. I don't understand God. Ergo, God must be a woman.   A truly unsurprising conclusion.

I think just about every religion invented by man would not allow membership for the God I believe in. Maybe Catholics would if God didn't use birth-control, went to confession each week and said three Hail Marys for penitence. Or maybe the evangelist would if God promised to vote only for extreme right-wing Republicans. Maybe the Muslims would if God promised to stone women who drive cars. Maybe Jews would if God killed a few Arabs each week. Would God decide to be an atheist?

$144B is the estimated cost of the war in Iraq for the year 2008 ONLY. $140B is the estimated cost of bring America's entire infrastructure (roads, water, power, etc.) up to "as new" standards. Which is money well spent?

During the last week of December 2005, President George Bush signed into law a bill banning torture. He immediately wrote an official "signing statement" declaring himself exempt from that law. What is it I don't understand about our constitution?

The United States spends more on its military than the entire rest of the word combined! Why do Americans invest in waging war against countries while other countries invest in improving their standard of living?

The right wing advocates spending $700B per year on the military but objects to the government providing $100B per year on health care for US citizens. Why is killing more important then living for Republicans?

I think it would be great if I were born with a prehensile tail. Then I would be able to scratch that spot on my back that my arms can't reach. And when leaving the house, I could easily pull the door closed behind me. And of course it would always be fun swinging through trees!

I'm so old my social security number is 17.  No, not 000-00-0017, just 17.

The other day a beautiful young woman opened a door for me. It made me feel really old to realize I didn't think of her as a babe.

You know you are old when your La-Z-Boy has more options than your car.

You never get too old to drive a vintage British sports cars. But you do get too old to get in and out of them.